# 9 - Quest

quest noun \ˈkwest\

: a journey made in search of something

: a long and difficult effort to find or do something

I am on a quest. I am on a quest to feel good in my own skin. To be able to accurately give myself feedback, while taking in positives and successes.  To have the people in my life see the wonderful things in themselves and to feel confident, happy.

It seems silly that this would even be an issue.  But in reality, most people are quite unkind to themselves. 97% of women have negative body thoughts, daily.  The women who I work with, who I am friends with, and related to all share one thing in common. They speak to themselves in a way that would be absolutely unacceptable if we heard someone else say such things to them. Not just about their bodies, but about all sorts of things. It's not just women, many men who I work with and know have lots of unkind things to say to themselves as well.

In the field of psychology we know a lot about the relationship between attributions (what you say to yourself) and how you feel.  It is not surprising then, that lots of folks spend lots of time feeling not so hot.  The problem with a lot of negative attributions that people make is they feel true - when often they are just old and familiar and that makes them seem true.

What we need to do is learn how to write a new script.  For some folks, the negative self talk is sort of a reflex - but they know better.  If this is you, all you need to do is pay attention to what you are saying to yourself and when you hear the negative come in replace it with a positive (accurate) statement instead.

For people whose negative self talk is more entrenched (maybe an internalized voice of a critical parent; maybe the manifestation of anxiety or depression) this task is more challenging, but still doable. In these situations it can be hard to come up with the positive thought to replace the negative one.  If this is your situation, I invite you to ask 3 people who you love and respect to tell you their 3 favorite things about you. Then pick the thing that comes up the most or really resonates and have that be the replacement thought (it will be harder to discount since it came from someone who you respect and therefore must be quite wonderful and wise).

What if the first step was that simple? Today, decide to say something nice to yourself. Something small and true, but kind.  Say it over and over and over until you believe it. Tomorrow, do the same thing.  Each day, be on a quest to make the proportion of kind self-talk greater than the critical, harsh inner voice. Notice how much better you feel....